How did we get here?

I am not sure where to begin. My life turned upside down when I discovered I was living with a non-offending “virtuous” pedophile…I know, the words virtuous and pedophile do not belong in the same sentence, but its what they call themselves.

This realization has turned my life upside down. Ive looked online for information and support with just about every search term I can think of –  I came up with nothing but a few news articles. I decided the best thing I can do is document my journey, share my frustrations and information about resources I learn along the way. If no one reads it, perhaps it will be therapeutic, or someone else might find comfort in what I have to say.

For anyone reading this, who has gone or is going through a similar situation, let me tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

The Discovery

Two weeks ago, I quit facebook because of all the political drama. I was getting too caught up in the negativity. I decided to use Instagram as a positive outlet to share inspiring quotes and crafty ideas.

When I joined Instagram I noticed my partner had an account. I went to his profile and clicked the “Follow” button. He said to me “you don’t need to follow me, I don’t share anything”. This was a red flag, and I knew something was really wrong. Thoughts were running through my head that he was cheating, he had nude photos of himself, he is masturbating live for his followers and every other “normal” thought someone may have.

I watched his page closely. I saw the number of accounts he was following and his followers increase by hundreds a day. The uneasiness continued – I dealt with it by making sarcastic comments about his “secret Instagram”.  I started to notice the constant notifications on his phone and could see he was looking at his account all the time while we sat on the couch. All I could see out of the corner of my eye was what I would call “typical” gay porn but that was only when his phone was tilted the right way.

He accidentally moved his phone sideways while viewing a post with a video. On an iPhone this causes the video to automatically play. Something didn’t sit right about the sound from the video and I “jokingly” grabbed his phone.

When I scrolled through his feed, I was horrified. The feed was filled with normal gay porn pictures and pictures of young boys. The pictures of the young boys were all clothed and many looked like fashion photos from magazines or photos that a family may have posted and then shared by a specialized account. The Instagram photos did not include very young children – the children were 14,15,16 age range. It was disturbing to me, but I was thankful they were not younger.

I asked about it and the response I got was “They will be 18 in a few years any way”. This response didn’t sit right with me. I went into our basement to smoke, took my iPhone and started to google his user names. I ran across another social media account. This account was blank, but when I clicked on the “likes” button I was very disturbed. Within the likes, between the “normal” porn were even younger boys all still clothed and fashion type pictures.

It was at this point I started to yell. I got as much information as I could and gave him an ultimatum – You get help or you are out of my house. I was ready to call the police but while questioning him he was clear that he never acted upon it. I had my doubts and will share in another blog what I did to make sure nothing has ever happened.

The aftermath

Currently, I am going back through the last 8 years in my head and recognizing some of the signs. I feel stupid, hopeless and lost. How could I have not known? I will be posting a follow up blog going into the signs and the details – hopefully someone else may recognize the signs in a loved one and put a stop to it before anything happens.

I am currently looking to get into therapy myself as well as couples counseling. As much as I want to hate him, and a part of me really does I can’t just abandon him. He has been hiding for so long that he is suffering from sever depression and delusions. I can’t bring myself to let someone I have loved for the last 8 years to suffer alone.

I want to scream, I want to run away. I feel like I have been living with someone I don’t even know and am dead on the inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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