The Signs

There were so many signs and I feel like I missed all of them. Some of them never sat right with me, but my partner is a unique, simple loving man who has a childlike disposition.



Throughout our relationship he has watched Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel. One of his favorite shows is iCarley. I always thought it was a bit odd that a forty something year old man would be interested in a pre-teen tv show. He would talk about Noah Munck and how cute he was. He also expressed the he liked chubby boys.

I didn’t think much about it or connect Noah directly to being someone he was attracted to. I thought It was a general comment similar to “cute kid”Having known him for so long I would have never thought there was anything more to it.

Even seeing him google Noah Munck, didn’t raise any flags. I thought it was odd but I figured at this point he had to be old enough. I should have known, this should have been a big red flag, but I missed it.

Little  Brother

B—-y is the most disturbing part of the whole thing. There were a ton of red flags and pieces to the story that never sat right with me. I feel like I was so blind, how could I have not known?

B—-y is a young boy whom he met though Big Brother/Big Sister.

B—-y was a 8/9 year old boy who had a troubled past. His mother did drugs and didn’t take care of him. He got in trouble at school and was sent home often. He died tragically of Brain Cancer.

He took B—y under his wing and was a father figure to him. They had sleep overs, halloween, went to events (fireworks, carnivals) and my partner took care of him until his death. His mother moved to New Mexico after he died and scattered his ashes into the ocean.

B—y had a birthday 8/18/97 and he had a death date. I heard about him almost every day for 8 years. I heard about his pumpkin halloween costume – he was a big kid so he painted himself orange and drew a face on his chest. He also had a very small penis – another red flag – this never sat right but I let the thought leave my mind right after it came in.

In the last 8 years we did things to honor B–y. I knew they had a special bond and it was the closest my partner has come to being a father – something he has always wanted. We would go to events in his memory and sit in the same spots I would always offer comfort on his birthday and the day he died – sometimes even having a special dinner.

He had a picture of B—y on his dresser and in his wallet. It was a normal picture of a chubby child who looked happy. Never once did it raise suspicion.

When I found about all this one of my first questions was ” what about B—y”

He was never a part of big bother/big sister and B—y doesn’t exist and never existed. He is an elaborately constructed fantasy by someone who has a desire to have a “young friend” and to gain sympathy for a loss. The photograph was a photograph of a random child from the internet. Needless to say – the photograph has been removed from this house and his wallet.

I should have known. Over the years I have googled B—y and his mother. I was never able to verify that either existed but since this all this happened around 2005 I just assumed that the internet hadn’t documented him – the internet was just coming alive at that time.

I should have trusted by instincts, it was naive of me to believe that any person that ever existed would not be found on the internet. I can find my great-grandmother who passed away in 1995 and great great grandparents information on the internet.

You may find it odd that I haven’t shared this child’s name even though he is fictitious. I am trying to protect our identity. This fantasy has been shared with countless family, friends and others on the internet.


Off handed comments

Through-out the time we have been together there were several off handed comments such as “chubby boys are so cute” ” I love chubby boys”

These comments never raised a red flag. I took boys to mean the gay term of boys which is a young adult gay man who is overweight (by young I mean at least 18).

I have even bought him looking at porn that would be considered “chubby boy” porn in my context of the word. It never dawned on me that it could be something deeper.

Hiding/porn addiction

I’ve known for a while he has had a porn addiction. A few years ago I put a parental filter on this computer because it was hurting our sex life, or at least thats what I thought the issue was. I have never had a problem with porn itself and in fact enjoy it myself.

I always found it odd how he would quickly close his browser from time to time when I would walk into the room. I never understood this. I have always been clear that porn can be a healthy part of your sex life and there is no reason to hide it from your partner. Being open an honest about viewing pornography and even watching it together can be good for couples.

The only reason there was to hide it in this house was because he knew something was wrong.














Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s