I’m sorry for the delay in writing.

It’s been a rough few weeks. Personally, I have spent every Friday and Saturday night drunk-trying to deal with this – including now…. We have been in therapy for 3 weeks now. Last weeks session was particularly hard.

My partner has been doing his sexual history questionnaire for the past two weeks, the first week of it was the hardest. He spoke about being naked around children when he was a child himself until he was 19. He is now in his 40’s so many years have past.

He talked about baby sitting these kids and how they would sit naked together and sometimes wrestle. There was also another story where he was in a tent with a younger child and the child must have been sleeping and made a few humping type motions and he “returned” them.

The hardest part of hearing these things is not that they happened – I already knew. The first week while I was drunk I asked him to tell me everything under the pretense that I would forget and I got the full story. What really bothers me is the lack of remorse or the understanding that these situations were wrong. The words just come too easily without consideration that these situations are forms of child molestation. The therapist didn’t seem concerned enough about them or its possible he didn’t quite understand exactly what he was saying. Im hoping he is just holding off until after the sexual history questionnaire.

For the most part our life has been back to normal with the exception of my drinking and the therapy sessions. I am having a harder time then i ever imagined with this. I love this man to death. How do I move forward from this? Our therapy sessions have been focused on him that I haven’t been able to say much about how I feel.

One of the issue and the thing that worries me is our therapist is is only 2 years out of school and not licensed yet. He is likely trying to get his hours in. He is a gay male – which helps and is very pro-sex which is great but his age and lack of experience concerns me. I think its great that my partner is willing to open up to him without being judged and even though he is out of network, I am willing to pay for whatever it costs.

The sessions are long and slow. My partner tends to ramble on, which is why its taken two sessions to complete a sexual history questionnaire. This could just be my impatience but I would like to see more progress, deeper discussion and some actual coping skills. So far what we have heard is watch adult porn and not child porn.

We will see how this goes, as much as I can pretend on the outside I am broken. I am torn to shreds and am not sure where I can go from here.

Until next time.




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