Update- FEAR

it has been a while. I am not sure if anyone is reading this or if there is help for others like me.

I married the man that I have been speaking about- I have not seen anything concerning and I am trying to trust that I know the truth.


I live everyday in fear.


I Fear that I do not know the truth, I Fear that something will happen. I love so much but worry all the time that something is happening. I understand this is a sexual orientation and I understand that it cannot be cured. Regardless of all of this its still hard. My therapist tells me there is no harm in someone looking at pictures of young boys in clothes. I can’t stomach the idea- it makes me ill. I love this man but I can’t stand this part of him.

Today I had an EMDR session where I dealt with an incident where we were in a hot tub together. While we sat- children stated to come in. I sat there until I saw a father and a small boy. I got out but he stayed. YES this was in front of the boys father, but one unrelated adult in a hot tub with children and talking to them- to me it felt dirty. After my session I was OK with the situation but looking back now it wasn’t OK- its weird.

My biggest fear is that I will be accused- or called an accomplice. This is not an easy issue. I have tried to read studies but they are few and far between plus sexual orientation cannot be changed.


Can I live with this? or Should I give up? If anyone else is in the same boat- please reach out. We can be here for each other.





I’m sorry for the delay in writing.

It’s been a rough few weeks. Personally, I have spent every Friday and Saturday night drunk-trying to deal with this – including now…. We have been in therapy for 3 weeks now. Last weeks session was particularly hard.

My partner has been doing his sexual history questionnaire for the past two weeks, the first week of it was the hardest. He spoke about being naked around children when he was a child himself until he was 19. He is now in his 40’s so many years have past.

He talked about baby sitting these kids and how they would sit naked together and sometimes wrestle. There was also another story where he was in a tent with a younger child and the child must have been sleeping and made a few humping type motions and he “returned” them.

The hardest part of hearing these things is not that they happened – I already knew. The first week while I was drunk I asked him to tell me everything under the pretense that I would forget and I got the full story. What really bothers me is the lack of remorse or the understanding that these situations were wrong. The words just come too easily without consideration that these situations are forms of child molestation. The therapist didn’t seem concerned enough about them or its possible he didn’t quite understand exactly what he was saying. Im hoping he is just holding off until after the sexual history questionnaire.

For the most part our life has been back to normal with the exception of my drinking and the therapy sessions. I am having a harder time then i ever imagined with this. I love this man to death. How do I move forward from this? Our therapy sessions have been focused on him that I haven’t been able to say much about how I feel.

One of the issue and the thing that worries me is our therapist is is only 2 years out of school and not licensed yet. He is likely trying to get his hours in. He is a gay male – which helps and is very pro-sex which is great but his age and lack of experience concerns me. I think its great that my partner is willing to open up to him without being judged and even though he is out of network, I am willing to pay for whatever it costs.

The sessions are long and slow. My partner tends to ramble on, which is why its taken two sessions to complete a sexual history questionnaire. This could just be my impatience but I would like to see more progress, deeper discussion and some actual coping skills. So far what we have heard is watch adult porn and not child porn.

We will see how this goes, as much as I can pretend on the outside I am broken. I am torn to shreds and am not sure where I can go from here.

Until next time.




The Signs

There were so many signs and I feel like I missed all of them. Some of them never sat right with me, but my partner is a unique, simple loving man who has a childlike disposition.



Throughout our relationship he has watched Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel. One of his favorite shows is iCarley. I always thought it was a bit odd that a forty something year old man would be interested in a pre-teen tv show. He would talk about Noah Munck and how cute he was. He also expressed the he liked chubby boys.

I didn’t think much about it or connect Noah directly to being someone he was attracted to. I thought It was a general comment similar to “cute kid”Having known him for so long I would have never thought there was anything more to it.

Even seeing him google Noah Munck, didn’t raise any flags. I thought it was odd but I figured at this point he had to be old enough. I should have known, this should have been a big red flag, but I missed it.

Little  Brother

B—-y is the most disturbing part of the whole thing. There were a ton of red flags and pieces to the story that never sat right with me. I feel like I was so blind, how could I have not known?

B—-y is a young boy whom he met though Big Brother/Big Sister.

B—-y was a 8/9 year old boy who had a troubled past. His mother did drugs and didn’t take care of him. He got in trouble at school and was sent home often. He died tragically of Brain Cancer.

He took B—y under his wing and was a father figure to him. They had sleep overs, halloween, went to events (fireworks, carnivals) and my partner took care of him until his death. His mother moved to New Mexico after he died and scattered his ashes into the ocean.

B—y had a birthday 8/18/97 and he had a death date. I heard about him almost every day for 8 years. I heard about his pumpkin halloween costume – he was a big kid so he painted himself orange and drew a face on his chest. He also had a very small penis – another red flag – this never sat right but I let the thought leave my mind right after it came in.

In the last 8 years we did things to honor B–y. I knew they had a special bond and it was the closest my partner has come to being a father – something he has always wanted. We would go to events in his memory and sit in the same spots I would always offer comfort on his birthday and the day he died – sometimes even having a special dinner.

He had a picture of B—y on his dresser and in his wallet. It was a normal picture of a chubby child who looked happy. Never once did it raise suspicion.

When I found about all this one of my first questions was ” what about B—y”

He was never a part of big bother/big sister and B—y doesn’t exist and never existed. He is an elaborately constructed fantasy by someone who has a desire to have a “young friend” and to gain sympathy for a loss. The photograph was a photograph of a random child from the internet. Needless to say – the photograph has been removed from this house and his wallet.

I should have known. Over the years I have googled B—y and his mother. I was never able to verify that either existed but since this all this happened around 2005 I just assumed that the internet hadn’t documented him – the internet was just coming alive at that time.

I should have trusted by instincts, it was naive of me to believe that any person that ever existed would not be found on the internet. I can find my great-grandmother who passed away in 1995 and great great grandparents information on the internet.

You may find it odd that I haven’t shared this child’s name even though he is fictitious. I am trying to protect our identity. This fantasy has been shared with countless family, friends and others on the internet.


Off handed comments

Through-out the time we have been together there were several off handed comments such as “chubby boys are so cute” ” I love chubby boys”

These comments never raised a red flag. I took boys to mean the gay term of boys which is a young adult gay man who is overweight (by young I mean at least 18).

I have even bought him looking at porn that would be considered “chubby boy” porn in my context of the word. It never dawned on me that it could be something deeper.

Hiding/porn addiction

I’ve known for a while he has had a porn addiction. A few years ago I put a parental filter on this computer because it was hurting our sex life, or at least thats what I thought the issue was. I have never had a problem with porn itself and in fact enjoy it myself.

I always found it odd how he would quickly close his browser from time to time when I would walk into the room. I never understood this. I have always been clear that porn can be a healthy part of your sex life and there is no reason to hide it from your partner. Being open an honest about viewing pornography and even watching it together can be good for couples.

The only reason there was to hide it in this house was because he knew something was wrong.














How did we get here?

I am not sure where to begin. My life turned upside down when I discovered I was living with a non-offending “virtuous” pedophile…I know, the words virtuous and pedophile do not belong in the same sentence, but its what they call themselves.

This realization has turned my life upside down. Ive looked online for information and support with just about every search term I can think of –  I came up with nothing but a few news articles. I decided the best thing I can do is document my journey, share my frustrations and information about resources I learn along the way. If no one reads it, perhaps it will be therapeutic, or someone else might find comfort in what I have to say.

For anyone reading this, who has gone or is going through a similar situation, let me tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

The Discovery

Two weeks ago, I quit facebook because of all the political drama. I was getting too caught up in the negativity. I decided to use Instagram as a positive outlet to share inspiring quotes and crafty ideas.

When I joined Instagram I noticed my partner had an account. I went to his profile and clicked the “Follow” button. He said to me “you don’t need to follow me, I don’t share anything”. This was a red flag, and I knew something was really wrong. Thoughts were running through my head that he was cheating, he had nude photos of himself, he is masturbating live for his followers and every other “normal” thought someone may have.

I watched his page closely. I saw the number of accounts he was following and his followers increase by hundreds a day. The uneasiness continued – I dealt with it by making sarcastic comments about his “secret Instagram”.  I started to notice the constant notifications on his phone and could see he was looking at his account all the time while we sat on the couch. All I could see out of the corner of my eye was what I would call “typical” gay porn but that was only when his phone was tilted the right way.

He accidentally moved his phone sideways while viewing a post with a video. On an iPhone this causes the video to automatically play. Something didn’t sit right about the sound from the video and I “jokingly” grabbed his phone.

When I scrolled through his feed, I was horrified. The feed was filled with normal gay porn pictures and pictures of young boys. The pictures of the young boys were all clothed and many looked like fashion photos from magazines or photos that a family may have posted and then shared by a specialized account. The Instagram photos did not include very young children – the children were 14,15,16 age range. It was disturbing to me, but I was thankful they were not younger.

I asked about it and the response I got was “They will be 18 in a few years any way”. This response didn’t sit right with me. I went into our basement to smoke, took my iPhone and started to google his user names. I ran across another social media account. This account was blank, but when I clicked on the “likes” button I was very disturbed. Within the likes, between the “normal” porn were even younger boys all still clothed and fashion type pictures.

It was at this point I started to yell. I got as much information as I could and gave him an ultimatum – You get help or you are out of my house. I was ready to call the police but while questioning him he was clear that he never acted upon it. I had my doubts and will share in another blog what I did to make sure nothing has ever happened.

The aftermath

Currently, I am going back through the last 8 years in my head and recognizing some of the signs. I feel stupid, hopeless and lost. How could I have not known? I will be posting a follow up blog going into the signs and the details – hopefully someone else may recognize the signs in a loved one and put a stop to it before anything happens.

I am currently looking to get into therapy myself as well as couples counseling. As much as I want to hate him, and a part of me really does I can’t just abandon him. He has been hiding for so long that he is suffering from sever depression and delusions. I can’t bring myself to let someone I have loved for the last 8 years to suffer alone.

I want to scream, I want to run away. I feel like I have been living with someone I don’t even know and am dead on the inside.